beautiful

okay, so i have a few theories about why the world is the way it is, but there are some things that i just can't seem to come to terms with. the first one being the expectations that are made for girls; in the media, and even coming from guys.
SERIOUSLY?? why do we have to be stick thin to be pretty? why is a person only considered "hot" if they're tan and skinny? cause those are the only girls that a guy would wanna "do". but if you think about it...okay maybe you shouldn't think about it.....but WHY are those the only girls who guys want anything to do with? there are obviously those girls who are pretty, but just don't have the right tan, or don't wear those expensive clothes, who only get noticed when a guy needs something or when he has noone else to talk to? i know for a fact there are some totally nice guys out there, but they are few and far between, let me tell you.
anyway, why do we just let the world tell us what to think and how to feel? i know that when i meet a guy who i think is really attractive, then get to know him and find out that he is not even a COMPLETE jerk, but maybe just KINDOF a jerk, i still find him less attractive.
why do we judge people on their THINGS? like their car, or their clothes, or their purse, or their house? i mean, those are THINGS that those people probably won't have in like 5 years, let's be real. then again, i can see where people are coming from if they treat those people with more respect because they obviously worked hard to get where they are to HAVE those nice things, but then again, you really can't judge people until you get to know them.
let's all try to be a little nicer, mmmmmmmmkay?! k. :)

the full story.

okay, here is the story for all of y'all who heard that i was in the ER last weekend. yeah, sorry it took me forever to even WANT to write about this!

okay, so it's friday night, and my parents are furious because i was an hour late for curfew, which wouldn't be a big deal if i didn't have a performance the next morning at 10 am- a devotional, the speaker being john bytheway. kindof a big deal.

anyway, i go to bed around 1-1:30 and wake up around 2:30 with the feeling like i had dust in my ear. it didn't really phase me until i started feeling like it might be something worse, like water, or an infection. i could push on my ear or hit it until it stopped irritating me, but it would start back up again intermittently. it didn't start to hurt until about 2:45 when i went downstairs and started researching ear infections, etc.
i figured that it was probably an ear infection because of the fever and the sound of water and pressure change in my ear until the pain started to get worse. and worse. and worse, until it got excruciatingly bad. i thought about waking my parents until i realized that they were already furious at me for being late and unprepared. sooo i decided to wait out the pain until 3:30. that's a DANNNNGG long time when you're in pain, might i add!
anyway, it got so bad that i couldn't refrain from screaming. seriously. it was bad.
so my mom came rushing out wondering what was wrong and i told her that my ear drum was going to burst. all the while screaming, of course.
she woke my dad and we rushed to the emergency room at about 3:20-3:30.
we arrive at the emergency room and the pain in HORRIBLE. and it didn't help that the thought of my ear drum bursting was running through my mind.
so we get into the hospital and they put my in my room where i was writhing in pain on the bed when the doctor came in. he took a look in my ear and looked up and my mom and quitely nodded and said "yeah, there's a bug...." and then asked me to sit up. of course i heard what he said, but i was REALLY hoping i heard that wrong, seeing as my hearing was a little off. as i sat up, he said, "well, looks like there's an insect in there." can you guess what happened next?
i screamed, "GET IT OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"
i could tell he was a little bothered. anyway, my mom and dad were conferencing with the doctor in the hall about how the get the bug out. okay, seriously? um, my dad might not be a doctor, but not that kind.........
so, i'm just laying on this bed freaking out that there is a bug in my ear and the doctor comes in and asks if i want an iv or any kind of sedation, and i said ABSOLUTELY NOT to the iv; i pass out with the SIGHT of a needle anywhere NEAR my arm, so we decided sedation. mind you, this whole time i'm not even really coherent because i'm in so much pain, and frankly, FREAKED OUT that there is a bug in my ear so i'm just freaking out all the while.
moving right along, my mom starts talking to the 2 nurses holding my down and the doctor saying, "most people like their ears, but she is a musician, so you HAVE TO GET THE BUG OUT!!!! and not to mention she IS going to sing with john bytheway in less than 6 hours."
so the nurse comes in, unbuttons my jeans like a pro.....weird.....and then sticks the tranquilizer in my butt. yep. nice. my mom asked over and over how long the sedation would take to wear off because i needed to be alive for the performance. they told her 2 hours, which meant approximately 6 am.
okay, so as 2 nurses held me down, i'm not even sure what happened, but somehow that bug came out. alive. yes, alive. in one piece. and now in a jar.
right after they finished the "procedure", the sedation kicked in! just in time, right?! anyway, i had to stay at the hospital for a while until they thought i was okay to go home. when i was ready to go home, that tranquilizer made me so nauseous that i almost threw up literally every 15 seconds, for about 20 minutes until i was in my own bed, COMPLETELY knocked out. sleeping in the scene of the crime!!
anyway, my mom woke me up around 8 which was almost 3 hours after coming home, and i was still totally under the drugs, but now coherent enough to get in the shower.
so i'm in the shower when i realize that i can't stand up and i am SO close to passing out before i just get out and lay on the ground. i make it to my bedroom somehow, still on the floor because i am SOOO tired and SOOO nauseous. my mom came in on the phone with the lady in charge of the meeting which was now in less than 2 hours telling her, "yeah, she's doing fine now, she'll make it! she's just....on....the flooryeahwe'llbetheresoooon!!!!"
basically dead, i SOMEHOW get in the car where my parents had made me a lovely little bed! i was still so nauseous and tired that noone knew how i was going to sing, and it was getting to the point where i was going to forfeit the performance. well, let's be real, everyone else was forfeiting the performance for me because i was so drugged.
we arrive in salt lake around 10:15, after the meeting had started and after the first song i was supposed to perform. i go into the bathroom with my mom to put on normal clothes and am white as snow. i literally did not think i could do it.
just as i finish putting on my clothes, it was time for me to sing my second song. sick as a dog, i walk up to the front, as the lady introduces me and tells everyone how fabulous of a night i had. i sang the song. i sat down and started crying. it's kinda hard to perform when you feel like you're gonna pass out and throw up at the same time. just sayin'.
long story short(ha! yeah right.), i sang the third song, and then had to endure a whole luncheon of pretending to be okay.

okay, soooo that's the story. most of it, anyway.

the pictures were taken on my way back from salt lake later that day. OBVIOUSLY doing ALOT better!

love

ya know that feeling you have when you really like someone and things are going great, but there's just something missing and you can't put your finger on it? this guy has everything going for him, you get along great, you're really attracted to him...but...but what?!
well, i've come to a conclusion. and before i forget, why do people just throw out 'i love you', like nothing?!! okay, back to my conclusion.
i think when you're in a relationship and everything is perfect and literally nothing in the world could stop you from being with that person and NOTHING is missing....well...i think that's love.
LOVE...meaning IN love. love is another story.
i think you can love someone once you've gotten to know them and you care deeply about them, and you actually would care if they got hit by a car....or something....

so why do so many people stay in relationships if they know it's just "love" and not "LOVE"? i think it's because they're bored. honestly, people!! what's wrong with the world?! i can't say much about that seeing as i DO find relationships..entertaining. that's probably not the right word, but you know what i mean. and in all honesty, i have been lead on, used, cheated on, and had my heart broken mmaaaannnyyy times, but i think those experiences have helped me keep my heart guarded.
(BACHELOR SHOUT-OUT!: WHERE ARE YOU KASEY?!!?!?!??!! COME GUARD AND PROTECT MY HEART!!!!!!!!) i don't let people close enough to break my heart anymore, because i KNOW it's just shallow "love". anyway, hopefully when i meet that guy, he'll get a tattoo to prove that he is always going to guard and protect my heart *AHEM*. psycho.
seriously though...love is pretty much a game. a mind game. it just plays with your emotions yet people thrive on that. k seriously?
something is sick and wrong with that.

the ex factor

most people aren't friends with their exes.

i'm not. but for some reason i feel like i'm the "crazy ex-girlfriend", even though i don't go around slashing tires.

so in math, 'x' is unknown; it needs to be found out in order to solve the equation.
i like to consider my friends familiar; as if i know most, if not all about them.
so, now i've just confused myself, but i think what i'm trying to say is,
doesn't it just make more sense to NOT be friends with exes??

guys are dumb. that's what i'm trying to say.

a story

it was an early fall evening, cold enough to sense the changing seasons. however, it wasn't the cold that provoked me to sense change. the atmosphere was thick as we sat hand in hand watching the sunset. this wasn't the first sunset we had watched together, and i wasn't expecting it to be the last. the sunflower that he had picked for me now lay and lifeless beside me.

earlier that summer, it all began: the most memorable summer romance i have ever experienced. from the first moment we spoke, i knew this was going to be more than a summer fling. i knew he was different;he was special, and he would change my life forever.

summer nights have magic in the air. the first night we were to meet, just the two of us, seemed more magical than other summer nights. it felt as if we were old friends reunited. by the end of the evening, while gazing at the stars, we shared every memory, ever scar and every experience. as he stood up, his hand caught the edge of a bottle cap hidden in the grass. he showed me and i suggested, jokingly, that he keep it to remind him of me. he later made the bottle cap into a necklace that we would trade every time we saw each other. each time i remember the impending loss, due to the marines, i would be comforted by the thought that this was only a blink of an eye compared to the time that we would spend together in the future.

each time we embraced, i KNEW i was the luckiest girl in the world. he was every girl's perfect boyfriend; and I was his girlfriend. i felt like i was in a dream; as if this should be the standard of romance every girl searches for. my previously dull summer was turning into a dream come true. i recall the evening where we were laying in the street, still warm from the sun as it was setting. i will never forget the way he turned to me with that perfect smile saying, "you're not like any other girl."

as he caught me observing the lifeless sunflower, he must have noticed the anguish on my face. i felt as if my heart was becoming whole, but slowly breaking at the same time. he was slipping away and there was nothing i could do about it. i could not put my finger on the source of my anguish. i couldn't help but question everything; was i not good enough for him?

it was only a matter of days until he was to leave for the next three months. i knew his upcoming absence was not the source of my distress. i knew we would be together soon enough; it was something deeper than that. as we drove home in silence, after the sun had set, his hand seemed different in mine; they were becoming mismatched pieces of a puzzle. the realization set in that the sunsets we watched, the tree we carved, the kisses we shared were not adequately appreciated. i was complete with his arms around me. however, i could not have felt more alone as i hugged him for what i realized might be the last time.

weeks later, my birthday seemed like an eternity as i was constantly checking my phone, anticipating at least one phone call. as i prepared for bed, i knew that he wasn't going to call. just like that my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
he was gone.

i often wonder if he came into my life for a reason. looking back, i learned more about life, love, and myself. as i remember lying in the street that summer night, i recall not caring about anything but being in that moment. i learned to embrace every second and to absorb every detail in order to look back on memories fondly. i learned that life and love are not perfect. it's the imperfections that add depth and character. the imperfections cause butterflies and heartaches.

the most important lesson i learned that summer was that every person has the ability to make an impression on another person, that will last a lifetime.

all that glitters isn't gold...

okay. i'll admit it. i spend every waking moment comparing myself to other people, mostly girls. okay, maybe not EVERY waking moment...but ALOT of those moments.
so what do i do when i compare myself to another girl? first off, does it look like she ate wendy's or rice cakes for lunch---if you know what i mean. then i move on to the other observations,"is she skinnier than me? how's her skin? what about her hair? are her nails painted? what kind of clothes is she wearing? is that a knockoff purse?". anyway, you get the idea. so basically, i can make conclusions about a person even about their personality within 20 seconds of meeting them. anybody can, really.
so, i have to ask myself the question, "how does comparing myself to anyone help anything?".
here's one of my favorite quotes from mean girls-LOVE that movie:
"calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. and ruining regina george's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you."
brilliant, right? well, while we're quoting mean girls:
gretchen: and even in fancy countries like the united states and england, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
regina george: who cares? Six of those girls are right!

hahahaha i love that one. okay, sorry. i'm done with the quotes, but i have to say that both of those quotes are TOTALLY accurate.
why is it that when i see a girl with skinner legs, a smaller waist, bigger boobs, or longer hair i just want to go DIE?!
and as long as we're throwin' out confessions, i DO think i'm fat when i look in the mirror even though i KNOW i'm NOT! why do i feel so inferior to other girls? why does ANY girl feel inferior to other girls?? why do i have to be better than another girl? why do i have to be better than ANYONE?! why can't i just be me? and the best version of me? and the me who loves life and doesn't worry about how fat i look?
obviously not ALL people think the way i do, but i do know that ALOT of people do.
why can't i just go up to a girl who has skinner legs than me and say, "wow, you're really pretty!"? i'll tell you why! because SHE CAN'T BE BETTER THAN ME! and why can't she be better than me? because then i'll feel bad about myself. okay, REALLY??? i don't think we should go around comparing our weaknesses with other people's strengths.
just sayin'.

...sitting, waiting, wishing...

.

why do people live their lives waiting to reach a milestone?
and why do they believe that their life will be so much better once they reach that milestone?

i won't let my life pass me by! i want to LIVE my life!

i want to notice the people, things and places that never get noticed.

i want to realize that there is no such thing as failure- only lessons.

i want to enjoy EVERYTHING!

i want to do things for me, for others and not to prove anything to anyone.

i won't let ANYTHING deter my happiness.

i won't to get caught up in the things that don't matter.

i will enjoy the simple things

i won't to say "i can't", rather "i can't now, but i can learn!"

i won't accept mediocrity.

i will laugh every single day.

i will enjoy the butterflies.

and last, but not least, i will live everyday like it's my last.

le premier post

well, here i am!
i figured the title "charming and unpredictable" was an appropriate title for my blog, seeing as those two words pretty much sum up my life!
so, lets get to it, shall we?

a few updates:
a few weeks ago, i was 3rd of 4 runners up in the junior miss utah scholarship program, and won over $4000 in scholarships! i was a winner in the fitness, and talent categories. i made 34 new best friends and got to participate in fun service projects like having a princess party at the make-a-wish foundation!

 i'll be sure to post upcoming performances!
april 9th: devotional with john bytheway in salt lake city.


anyway, what is the one question that people won't stop asking?-"what are you doing next year?"

 the decision has been made, ladies and gentlemen.
after weeks and months of painful discussions, i have FINALLY reached my result....
 i will be attending brigham young university in the fall. i will be a vocal performance major, which is a pretty big deal: they only choose 10 out of 150 applicants into the major.
i swore up and down that i would never go there.


anyway, as for my first post, that is all! :)