shut up and hear me out.

i will admit it: i have a VERY charmed and good life. i'm not bragging-just a fact.

i was blessed with a ridiculously incredible singing voice that even sometimes i can't believe that sound is coming out of MY mouth.

i have parents who BEYOND provide for me. spoil me, in fact.

i am intelligent. okay, shut up. i am at least intelligent enough to write this blogpost, right?

i have a healthy body.

and to skip ahead, the one that gets me the most, is the fact that i travel to europe every year due to my being half-english.

okay, fine fine fine. that's all super great, buuuuuuut.....


i HATE beyond HATE---hate is a strong word---i HAAATTEE when people ask me about england/europe, and also when they ask about my singing/singing career.

NOW YOU KNOW, SO DON'T ASK!!!

the things i love to talk about are the things that nobody really knows about me...

i love the military and am joining the air force!

i love boys! and military boys! okay, that's not really a secret...but i am happy to talk about it anytime! haha

i am an all-american country girl, half british, and brought up a lady! haha in fact, i am wearing my cowboy hat while sitting in an english house this very second! don't ask questions.

i love to talk about random things, like, what the heck are people thinking when they are looking at me?? can you imagine what i would say if i had to share my thoughts when looking at people?! not good.

i like to work-out. let's talk about it.

so those are a few things that i WOULD want to talk about when i get home from europe, opposed to, "OH MY GOSH, TELL ME EVERY DETAIILLL OF YOUR TRIP!! I'D LOOOVEEE TO GO TO ENGLAND!! TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!".

sends shivers down my spine.

chickidee.

my best friend in the whole world...hold on...

we don't like to call eachother best friends because we've never had that kind of relationship. here's just a few things about why we don't consider ourselves "best friends":

1. we don't hug. only on special occasions like graduation-and it lasted about .000343 seconds.

2. we don't say love ya, love you, and we most DEFINITELY do NOT call eachother babe. heaven forbid, i probably wouldn't call anyone except a boyfriend babe!

3. we don't call eachother on the phone and talk for hours about nothing and everything. we text. occasionally call if necessary, but never just to talk.

okay, you get the idea. we're basically like really butch girls who are friends....and that totally doesn't sound normal so i take it back...

anyway, she's the one i can go to if i need a slap in the face and/or for a reality check.

she's the one who i can drive in the car with and giggle like 13 year old girls about a cute boy in the car next to us.

she's the one i tell the truth to-no matter how bad it hurts.

she's the one i can be myself around no matter WHAT kind of mood i'm in.

she's the one who gives me stupid ideas...that i am more than happy to go along with.

she's the one who listens for hours about my ridiculously unstable love life.

she's the one who knows how to make things better-ice cream.

she's the one who can say it to my face.

she's the one i can laugh with for hours on end without any reason at all.

she's my co-captain. or i'm HER co-captain...if only i could roll my eyes right now...

she's the one who dates the other brother so we can go on convenient double dates.

she's the one i can go on late night drive-bys to LOSEREX-BOYFRIEND'SHOUSESBECAUSEWE'REPATHETIC.

she's the one with brilliant ideas, like, dressing up as polygamists for halloween.

she's the one who makes me feel like a celebrity...and makes others believe it, too.

she's the one who sleeps with me on tour, and puts up with my diagonal sleeping.

she's the one who will go to gen-x with me and buy awesome shirts just because.

she's the one who comes to all my performances.

she's the one who is starting to sound like my lesbian girlfriend so i'm gonna stop.

if i had it my way...

so this morning, i saw a picture of a cake, and naturally, i started thinking of things i want, i like, and well, need...

so here we go! let's count down the top 10 things i need most and/or can't live without...
(in other words, a list of things that i really like. whatever.)

10. cake. food? chocolate. anything edible and delicious.
9. my phone. shut up.
8. men. military, preferably. but we all knew that.
7. ice cream. ANY kind. i'm easy to please.
6. music? sure, why not.
5. ringonthefinger.com/welcomehomeblog.com
4. joking around.
3. exercise. holy crap, i'd go insane without it.
2. my friends. JASMINE, ALEXANDRA, CARLIE, KRISTINE, LIZ...and the list goes on and on...
1. laughter. smiling. happiness.
0. long hair.

alright, so that list is ridiculously out of order and a little bit random, but hey...

MY LIFE BE LIKE OOOHHH AAAAAAHHHHHHH OOOOOHHH OOOOOHHH.

what is a kiss?

it seems like guys just kindof EXPECT you to kiss them...

i always imagined every kiss would be special and would be super cute, and yeah, i probably thought they would all be in the rain,too...

but now that i'm older and wiser, and have definitely had my fair share of WORRRRTTTHHHLLEEESSSS KIIISSSSSSSSSEEEEEEESSSSSS, i am going to change...

i've always told guys straight up that i'd prefer to kiss a guy if he was my boyfriend...
...but none of them listen...

SO! i am taking a different approach...

maybe i flirt too much, which therefore gives off the vibe that i am so called "easy" and they feel as if they can just USSEEE AND ABUSSEEE ME!!!!

thing is....i don't REALIZE i'm flirting...that's just how i AM! so...dilemma city....

and WHILLEE we're in dilemma city...i'd like to take you around the block to somewhere where i call single-town. i've lived here quite a while. why? because guys are jerks, and noone is willing to pay the price to live with me in HAPPY-VILLE!! k, i'm so done with this little analogy, but you get my drift...

so, why is it so hard to be happy for someone else when they have a brand spankin' new apartment in happy-ville?? uhh...

anyway, i have to come realize that i can definitely be happy for people in their successes, but it's ALOT harder when you're having a little failure in the same field....

whatever.

i want a boyfriend...
...a boyfriend that CARES and DOESN'T want "just a kiss"...


fml.

he's not coming home...

it's been a life-long dream of mine to be in the military, and kind-of a secret dream to be a military wife.

i can't imagine anything more romantic or meaningful than seeing your love for the first time in months or years.

i guess you could consider me a hopeless romantic.
okay, you could DEFINITELY consider me that.

i want to spend everyday for the rest of my life being hopelessly in love, and what better way to do that than spend each moment cherishing each other and the time you have together?

you don't know when it could all come crashing down in an instant;
a phone call--or lack of.

i was hopelessly in love. seriously...

i was the happiest i have EVER been! i smiled 24/7.

we would spend hours under the stars talking about how our love was unlike any other.

when he held my hand, i hoped he would never let go.

when we walked, he would look at me, smile and remind me how happy he was; i couldn't have agreed more.

when his arms were around me, i wanted nothing more than to stay there forever.

if i could take it all back; the pain, the tears, the nights spent under the stars alone, the empty message inbox, the empty tissue boxes, the heart break...i wouldn't...

he changed my life. literally...
i know it sounds cliche, but i look at life and love differently.
i don't go a day without thinking about him and/or what he taught me.

he taught me what true love is...

he taught me that true love is not always convenient, easy, or simple.

he taught me that true love is worth giving your life for.

he taught me that true love is FUN!


i take it back...
i take back not jumping in his arms every single chance i had.
i take back not kissing him as long as i could have or as often as i could have.
i take back the inhibitions and doubts.
i take back not giving him my whole heart--
he eventually had it all and more when he couldn't love me back.

i didn't know that would be the last time i would ever hug him goodbye.
i didn't know it would be our last kiss.
i didn't think it would end this way.

i wish i could put into words the way i felt about him and the way i feel about him now.

the truth is...
i'm just waiting.

waiting to smile again.
waiting for love; *true* love.

my blog sucks. i know.

first of all, i know my blog is NOT the most entertaining thing in the world. i mean, i'm not a teen mom, i'm not on drugs, i don't go out every weekend and get totally smashed, and heaven forbid i don't even have a BOYFRIEND.---as if i'm sad about that last one...................ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY............
movin' right along, i've been hanging around alot of different guys and even different types of guys lately, and to be real, i'm starting to get a little sick of find my perfect guy...

...i already lost him.
and while we're on the subject, that one guy....the one i wrote the story about...the one who had my heart...the one i haven't completely gotten over--shut up, i know i'm pathetic...the one who will always be my perfect guy until someone else comes along and sweeps me off my feet...well...i miss him. there. i said it. the tree carved in my backyard still looks the way it did when i was head over heels, and to be honest, still makes me smile whenever i see it.

what's with girls putting their hand on a guys chest when they take a picture?? is it like some sort of possession thing, or like, "hey, look at me! i get to touch him and you don't! take a picture!" k well......i realized that i'm a victim of this epidemic.

exibit a....

alright, well, now i'm just rambling because i lost my voice completely and literally cannot talk. i was horrified when i opened my mouth to speak this morning.
anyway, that's it.

and then it hit me...

...what if i KNOW the person i am going to marry??
okay okay, of COURSE i've thought about marrying people i know before, but what if i actually DID?? i mean, there are SOOOOOO many people out there....
think about it.....






are you thinking about it??!! LIKE BILLIONS!!!! so, wouldn't you feel like you "settled" if you married someone you knew?! wow. i really hate this subject. and i really hate talking about how friken huge the universe is. and i really hate talking about how to get the perfect body. and i REALLY hate it when people use emoticons, except for like (: and stuff......

so...
i got sunburned last weekend, and my lips have been screaming ever since.
i was thinking about how bad it would hurt to kiss someone with sunburned lips...
did you know...

1.scientific tests show that pleasurable kissing reduces dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes, and makes skin glow and eyes shine.

2.the average person spends two weeks of his or her life, all told, lip-locked.

3. the average american woman kisses 79 different men before marrying one. (okay, i DOUUBBTT that.)

4. passionate kissing can burn up to 6.4 calories a minute, or as many as 600 calories an hour. (any takers?? 600 calories an hour, i'm down....)

5. kissing can relieve headaches. it creates relaxation, which in turn causes the tension restricting blood vessels in the brain to be released.

6. the brain has special neurons that helps us locate our lover’s lips in the dark. (HAHA!)

this is good information, people!
kiss on!

summer fun. i mean, summer sucks.

you imagine your life after graduation, and even just summer in general, to be this great time with your friends, roasting marshmallows around a campfire up a canyon, wearing hoodies and cuddling with cute boys.
i do, anyway...
my summer so far, has been anything BUT any of that. i wake up around 10:29, approximately, everyday, and go downstairs to a mom who tells me to put down the carbs and go running. oh, and to get a job. oh, and to take the dogs on a walk. oh, and FIVE MILLION OTHER THINGS!!! and does she say any of that nicely? of course not.
okay, fine. i get it. i'm fat, lazy, and obviously an underachiever. sweet, thanks mom.
anyway, i went to apply for a job at forever21, and let's just say the competition was fierce. like, so fierce that i wanted to slap some of the girls in the face before they gave eachother one more fake compliment.
anyway, i got the job. so that's good. and apparently, it's really hard because over 200 people apply every week and they only hired 5- i, being one of the select AWESOME 5! bad news-i start in a week, so that means i have another 8 LOOONNGGGG DAYS ahead of me. kill me.
lovin' life to the max right now.
GET ME THE *&^^*((*&*&%&&%%&^%(*()*)(*)*((&*&^*& OUT OF MY HOUUSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and that's that.

you wait your WHOLE life for your life to start. i waited for 18 years to graduate from high school. 18 years is a long time to wait for a 24 hour period of utter.....normalcy??? let's just say, the day of graduation WAS just another day-for the most part.

i kindof made a list in my head of all the days my life was going to all the sudden be amazing and everything would be perfect. graduation was probably the first, then moving to college, and getting married, etc.
thinking back, i wasted alot of time wishing things were different. this past year, i have accomplished so much more than i ever thought possible, and it makes me sad to think that i wished anything were different. i wished i was skinner, prettier, more tan, smarter, more popular....ya know...all that...
anyway, i've come to think that i'm pretty great! haha i mean, i might not be a size 2, and i'm definitely not a natural olive skinned beauty, but hey, i'm me and i'm glad that i'm NOT like anyone else!
k, so all of that just sounds really stupid...but it's true.

just another post...

ya know that cliche about how if you ever faced the person who did you wrong, you would know exactly what to say and then give them a huge slap in the face? well.....it's alot harder than it sounds.

last weekend, i had that experience. it's been about six years since the unspeakable events that took place, and i was SURE that if i ever saw him again, i would make sure he went to jail. okay, maybe not, but i really did just wanna punch him in the face.

i was at a concert with my brother and as we were walking, this guy pulled my brother aside and said something like, "hey! i know this guy!" and they did their stupid bro hug or whatever, and my brother, the sweetest guy ever, of course is like, "hey man! how are you?". all the while, i'm just standing there thinking, "oh HELLLLLLL no, that is NOT who i think it is."---and of course it was. he didn't even acknowledge my presence, except for the creepy smile he gave me after he realized it was ME, and not duncan's girlfriend. i couldn't even look at him in the eyes.

i stood there looking off into the distance, trying not to be too haunted by the memory that he left seared in my mind. if i would have had the courage to say something to him, i honestly don't know what i would say. how lame is that????
anyway, i'm still creeped out.


in other GOOD news, senior ball is this weekend!long dress or short dress---that is the big dilemma on my mind. oh and how am i going to do my hair?!! these are the things that i worry about. pathetic-i know.

and in SINGING news, i am going to california next week to compete! wish me luck! even though i don't need it..........kidding.

and in OTHER news, my hair is getting pretty long so that could actually be classified under FANTASSTTIICC news.

that's it.

life as i just found out it to be...what?

so i was recently informed about a whole bunch of "naughty" stuff goin' on around me on a daily basis. why did i not know about this?! oh i know, because i live under a rock called junior miss/singing. anyway, when i first heard about it, i was like "um are you kidding me? idiots! what is wrong with these people?!"

then it hit me...

i am SUCH a hypocrite. yeah, maybe not these days, but i've definitely had my fair share of slip-ups, lets be real.....
so, i am not the kind of person to just go around judging people for their stupid actions/decisions, but i am allowed to have an opinion, no? the things some people do are just not the things that i would want to be doing merely because it just doesn't interest me. end of story. go do your thing, and i'll still love you, but i'm not coming and i'm not endorsing it! fair enough?

well, whiiiiiile we're on the topic lets just discuss the whole issue of gossiping...okay, that doesn't really have anything to do with what i was just talking about, but somehow in my mind it connected.
gossiping is great, isn't it? i mean, you let your feelings out and it just feels so good to bash someone. and for real people, it DOES make you feel better about yourself. come on, admit it. kinda?! maybe?! sorta?! little bit?!

and then you remember everything you learned about in primary, like how it REALLY hurts you, and not them. or how about how it'll always get back to that person and you won't have friends. okay, first of all, i can argue BOTH of those.
point is, these days i've been workin' on my gossiping because the more i thought about it, i wouldn't want people talking trash about me! so, out of respect for other people---this is the MINIMAL respect i can give these people---i choose to refrain from harsh gossip.

let's just hope you're on my good side! ;)

kay, whatever.
make good choices! (:

beautiful

okay, so i have a few theories about why the world is the way it is, but there are some things that i just can't seem to come to terms with. the first one being the expectations that are made for girls; in the media, and even coming from guys.
SERIOUSLY?? why do we have to be stick thin to be pretty? why is a person only considered "hot" if they're tan and skinny? cause those are the only girls that a guy would wanna "do". but if you think about it...okay maybe you shouldn't think about it.....but WHY are those the only girls who guys want anything to do with? there are obviously those girls who are pretty, but just don't have the right tan, or don't wear those expensive clothes, who only get noticed when a guy needs something or when he has noone else to talk to? i know for a fact there are some totally nice guys out there, but they are few and far between, let me tell you.
anyway, why do we just let the world tell us what to think and how to feel? i know that when i meet a guy who i think is really attractive, then get to know him and find out that he is not even a COMPLETE jerk, but maybe just KINDOF a jerk, i still find him less attractive.
why do we judge people on their THINGS? like their car, or their clothes, or their purse, or their house? i mean, those are THINGS that those people probably won't have in like 5 years, let's be real. then again, i can see where people are coming from if they treat those people with more respect because they obviously worked hard to get where they are to HAVE those nice things, but then again, you really can't judge people until you get to know them.
let's all try to be a little nicer, mmmmmmmmkay?! k. :)

the full story.

okay, here is the story for all of y'all who heard that i was in the ER last weekend. yeah, sorry it took me forever to even WANT to write about this!

okay, so it's friday night, and my parents are furious because i was an hour late for curfew, which wouldn't be a big deal if i didn't have a performance the next morning at 10 am- a devotional, the speaker being john bytheway. kindof a big deal.

anyway, i go to bed around 1-1:30 and wake up around 2:30 with the feeling like i had dust in my ear. it didn't really phase me until i started feeling like it might be something worse, like water, or an infection. i could push on my ear or hit it until it stopped irritating me, but it would start back up again intermittently. it didn't start to hurt until about 2:45 when i went downstairs and started researching ear infections, etc.
i figured that it was probably an ear infection because of the fever and the sound of water and pressure change in my ear until the pain started to get worse. and worse. and worse, until it got excruciatingly bad. i thought about waking my parents until i realized that they were already furious at me for being late and unprepared. sooo i decided to wait out the pain until 3:30. that's a DANNNNGG long time when you're in pain, might i add!
anyway, it got so bad that i couldn't refrain from screaming. seriously. it was bad.
so my mom came rushing out wondering what was wrong and i told her that my ear drum was going to burst. all the while screaming, of course.
she woke my dad and we rushed to the emergency room at about 3:20-3:30.
we arrive at the emergency room and the pain in HORRIBLE. and it didn't help that the thought of my ear drum bursting was running through my mind.
so we get into the hospital and they put my in my room where i was writhing in pain on the bed when the doctor came in. he took a look in my ear and looked up and my mom and quitely nodded and said "yeah, there's a bug...." and then asked me to sit up. of course i heard what he said, but i was REALLY hoping i heard that wrong, seeing as my hearing was a little off. as i sat up, he said, "well, looks like there's an insect in there." can you guess what happened next?
i screamed, "GET IT OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"
i could tell he was a little bothered. anyway, my mom and dad were conferencing with the doctor in the hall about how the get the bug out. okay, seriously? um, my dad might not be a doctor, but not that kind.........
so, i'm just laying on this bed freaking out that there is a bug in my ear and the doctor comes in and asks if i want an iv or any kind of sedation, and i said ABSOLUTELY NOT to the iv; i pass out with the SIGHT of a needle anywhere NEAR my arm, so we decided sedation. mind you, this whole time i'm not even really coherent because i'm in so much pain, and frankly, FREAKED OUT that there is a bug in my ear so i'm just freaking out all the while.
moving right along, my mom starts talking to the 2 nurses holding my down and the doctor saying, "most people like their ears, but she is a musician, so you HAVE TO GET THE BUG OUT!!!! and not to mention she IS going to sing with john bytheway in less than 6 hours."
so the nurse comes in, unbuttons my jeans like a pro.....weird.....and then sticks the tranquilizer in my butt. yep. nice. my mom asked over and over how long the sedation would take to wear off because i needed to be alive for the performance. they told her 2 hours, which meant approximately 6 am.
okay, so as 2 nurses held me down, i'm not even sure what happened, but somehow that bug came out. alive. yes, alive. in one piece. and now in a jar.
right after they finished the "procedure", the sedation kicked in! just in time, right?! anyway, i had to stay at the hospital for a while until they thought i was okay to go home. when i was ready to go home, that tranquilizer made me so nauseous that i almost threw up literally every 15 seconds, for about 20 minutes until i was in my own bed, COMPLETELY knocked out. sleeping in the scene of the crime!!
anyway, my mom woke me up around 8 which was almost 3 hours after coming home, and i was still totally under the drugs, but now coherent enough to get in the shower.
so i'm in the shower when i realize that i can't stand up and i am SO close to passing out before i just get out and lay on the ground. i make it to my bedroom somehow, still on the floor because i am SOOO tired and SOOO nauseous. my mom came in on the phone with the lady in charge of the meeting which was now in less than 2 hours telling her, "yeah, she's doing fine now, she'll make it! she's just....on....the flooryeahwe'llbetheresoooon!!!!"
basically dead, i SOMEHOW get in the car where my parents had made me a lovely little bed! i was still so nauseous and tired that noone knew how i was going to sing, and it was getting to the point where i was going to forfeit the performance. well, let's be real, everyone else was forfeiting the performance for me because i was so drugged.
we arrive in salt lake around 10:15, after the meeting had started and after the first song i was supposed to perform. i go into the bathroom with my mom to put on normal clothes and am white as snow. i literally did not think i could do it.
just as i finish putting on my clothes, it was time for me to sing my second song. sick as a dog, i walk up to the front, as the lady introduces me and tells everyone how fabulous of a night i had. i sang the song. i sat down and started crying. it's kinda hard to perform when you feel like you're gonna pass out and throw up at the same time. just sayin'.
long story short(ha! yeah right.), i sang the third song, and then had to endure a whole luncheon of pretending to be okay.

okay, soooo that's the story. most of it, anyway.

the pictures were taken on my way back from salt lake later that day. OBVIOUSLY doing ALOT better!

love

ya know that feeling you have when you really like someone and things are going great, but there's just something missing and you can't put your finger on it? this guy has everything going for him, you get along great, you're really attracted to him...but...but what?!
well, i've come to a conclusion. and before i forget, why do people just throw out 'i love you', like nothing?!! okay, back to my conclusion.
i think when you're in a relationship and everything is perfect and literally nothing in the world could stop you from being with that person and NOTHING is missing....well...i think that's love.
LOVE...meaning IN love. love is another story.
i think you can love someone once you've gotten to know them and you care deeply about them, and you actually would care if they got hit by a car....or something....

so why do so many people stay in relationships if they know it's just "love" and not "LOVE"? i think it's because they're bored. honestly, people!! what's wrong with the world?! i can't say much about that seeing as i DO find relationships..entertaining. that's probably not the right word, but you know what i mean. and in all honesty, i have been lead on, used, cheated on, and had my heart broken mmaaaannnyyy times, but i think those experiences have helped me keep my heart guarded.
(BACHELOR SHOUT-OUT!: WHERE ARE YOU KASEY?!!?!?!??!! COME GUARD AND PROTECT MY HEART!!!!!!!!) i don't let people close enough to break my heart anymore, because i KNOW it's just shallow "love". anyway, hopefully when i meet that guy, he'll get a tattoo to prove that he is always going to guard and protect my heart *AHEM*. psycho.
seriously though...love is pretty much a game. a mind game. it just plays with your emotions yet people thrive on that. k seriously?
something is sick and wrong with that.

the ex factor

most people aren't friends with their exes.

i'm not. but for some reason i feel like i'm the "crazy ex-girlfriend", even though i don't go around slashing tires.

so in math, 'x' is unknown; it needs to be found out in order to solve the equation.
i like to consider my friends familiar; as if i know most, if not all about them.
so, now i've just confused myself, but i think what i'm trying to say is,
doesn't it just make more sense to NOT be friends with exes??

guys are dumb. that's what i'm trying to say.

a story

it was an early fall evening, cold enough to sense the changing seasons. however, it wasn't the cold that provoked me to sense change. the atmosphere was thick as we sat hand in hand watching the sunset. this wasn't the first sunset we had watched together, and i wasn't expecting it to be the last. the sunflower that he had picked for me now lay and lifeless beside me.

earlier that summer, it all began: the most memorable summer romance i have ever experienced. from the first moment we spoke, i knew this was going to be more than a summer fling. i knew he was different;he was special, and he would change my life forever.

summer nights have magic in the air. the first night we were to meet, just the two of us, seemed more magical than other summer nights. it felt as if we were old friends reunited. by the end of the evening, while gazing at the stars, we shared every memory, ever scar and every experience. as he stood up, his hand caught the edge of a bottle cap hidden in the grass. he showed me and i suggested, jokingly, that he keep it to remind him of me. he later made the bottle cap into a necklace that we would trade every time we saw each other. each time i remember the impending loss, due to the marines, i would be comforted by the thought that this was only a blink of an eye compared to the time that we would spend together in the future.

each time we embraced, i KNEW i was the luckiest girl in the world. he was every girl's perfect boyfriend; and I was his girlfriend. i felt like i was in a dream; as if this should be the standard of romance every girl searches for. my previously dull summer was turning into a dream come true. i recall the evening where we were laying in the street, still warm from the sun as it was setting. i will never forget the way he turned to me with that perfect smile saying, "you're not like any other girl."

as he caught me observing the lifeless sunflower, he must have noticed the anguish on my face. i felt as if my heart was becoming whole, but slowly breaking at the same time. he was slipping away and there was nothing i could do about it. i could not put my finger on the source of my anguish. i couldn't help but question everything; was i not good enough for him?

it was only a matter of days until he was to leave for the next three months. i knew his upcoming absence was not the source of my distress. i knew we would be together soon enough; it was something deeper than that. as we drove home in silence, after the sun had set, his hand seemed different in mine; they were becoming mismatched pieces of a puzzle. the realization set in that the sunsets we watched, the tree we carved, the kisses we shared were not adequately appreciated. i was complete with his arms around me. however, i could not have felt more alone as i hugged him for what i realized might be the last time.

weeks later, my birthday seemed like an eternity as i was constantly checking my phone, anticipating at least one phone call. as i prepared for bed, i knew that he wasn't going to call. just like that my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
he was gone.

i often wonder if he came into my life for a reason. looking back, i learned more about life, love, and myself. as i remember lying in the street that summer night, i recall not caring about anything but being in that moment. i learned to embrace every second and to absorb every detail in order to look back on memories fondly. i learned that life and love are not perfect. it's the imperfections that add depth and character. the imperfections cause butterflies and heartaches.

the most important lesson i learned that summer was that every person has the ability to make an impression on another person, that will last a lifetime.

all that glitters isn't gold...

okay. i'll admit it. i spend every waking moment comparing myself to other people, mostly girls. okay, maybe not EVERY waking moment...but ALOT of those moments.
so what do i do when i compare myself to another girl? first off, does it look like she ate wendy's or rice cakes for lunch---if you know what i mean. then i move on to the other observations,"is she skinnier than me? how's her skin? what about her hair? are her nails painted? what kind of clothes is she wearing? is that a knockoff purse?". anyway, you get the idea. so basically, i can make conclusions about a person even about their personality within 20 seconds of meeting them. anybody can, really.
so, i have to ask myself the question, "how does comparing myself to anyone help anything?".
here's one of my favorite quotes from mean girls-LOVE that movie:
"calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. and ruining regina george's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you."
brilliant, right? well, while we're quoting mean girls:
gretchen: and even in fancy countries like the united states and england, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
regina george: who cares? Six of those girls are right!

hahahaha i love that one. okay, sorry. i'm done with the quotes, but i have to say that both of those quotes are TOTALLY accurate.
why is it that when i see a girl with skinner legs, a smaller waist, bigger boobs, or longer hair i just want to go DIE?!
and as long as we're throwin' out confessions, i DO think i'm fat when i look in the mirror even though i KNOW i'm NOT! why do i feel so inferior to other girls? why does ANY girl feel inferior to other girls?? why do i have to be better than another girl? why do i have to be better than ANYONE?! why can't i just be me? and the best version of me? and the me who loves life and doesn't worry about how fat i look?
obviously not ALL people think the way i do, but i do know that ALOT of people do.
why can't i just go up to a girl who has skinner legs than me and say, "wow, you're really pretty!"? i'll tell you why! because SHE CAN'T BE BETTER THAN ME! and why can't she be better than me? because then i'll feel bad about myself. okay, REALLY??? i don't think we should go around comparing our weaknesses with other people's strengths.
just sayin'.

...sitting, waiting, wishing...

.

why do people live their lives waiting to reach a milestone?
and why do they believe that their life will be so much better once they reach that milestone?

i won't let my life pass me by! i want to LIVE my life!

i want to notice the people, things and places that never get noticed.

i want to realize that there is no such thing as failure- only lessons.

i want to enjoy EVERYTHING!

i want to do things for me, for others and not to prove anything to anyone.

i won't let ANYTHING deter my happiness.

i won't to get caught up in the things that don't matter.

i will enjoy the simple things

i won't to say "i can't", rather "i can't now, but i can learn!"

i won't accept mediocrity.

i will laugh every single day.

i will enjoy the butterflies.

and last, but not least, i will live everyday like it's my last.

le premier post

well, here i am!
i figured the title "charming and unpredictable" was an appropriate title for my blog, seeing as those two words pretty much sum up my life!
so, lets get to it, shall we?

a few updates:
a few weeks ago, i was 3rd of 4 runners up in the junior miss utah scholarship program, and won over $4000 in scholarships! i was a winner in the fitness, and talent categories. i made 34 new best friends and got to participate in fun service projects like having a princess party at the make-a-wish foundation!

 i'll be sure to post upcoming performances!
april 9th: devotional with john bytheway in salt lake city.


anyway, what is the one question that people won't stop asking?-"what are you doing next year?"

 the decision has been made, ladies and gentlemen.
after weeks and months of painful discussions, i have FINALLY reached my result....
 i will be attending brigham young university in the fall. i will be a vocal performance major, which is a pretty big deal: they only choose 10 out of 150 applicants into the major.
i swore up and down that i would never go there.


anyway, as for my first post, that is all! :)